Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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