I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
