chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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