When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I understand Curling. That high.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
