I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
