I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Farmville is her only friend.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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