It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
