Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
