Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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