I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
