She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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