im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
