Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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