i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
