RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
