Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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