OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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