Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
