I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
