Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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