I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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