Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I would ride that face into the sunset
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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