video games are the ultimate cock blocker
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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