my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
