had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
worst night to have a conscience
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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