sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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