My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize