A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
