he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
