Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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