he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
