70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
