I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There's always time for handjobs
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
