i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
