I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
