it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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