Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
