You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
you will always have a special place in my vag
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
