my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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