Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
