As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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