He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
