I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My cat gives me a boner
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
