So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
