I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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