Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
