Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
