i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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