Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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