I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
