Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
