Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
