I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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