rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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