if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
