I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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