Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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