a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
