Where did you get a picture of my penis
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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