So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
